司機大叔

「在這裡工作兩年後，準備要離職，你對於這份工作的感覺是什麼？」
「恩....我覺得這份工作很特別，和全國民眾都有潛在的機會與緣份能夠有所接觸。」
「你幹麻說得這麼官方啊！我只是想問你的感覺，這個回答一點也不真心。」
「....（這真的是我的感覺啊！）....」

這是前陣子和同事間的對話。那個點點點其實我有嘗試告訴她我確實這樣感覺，不過心裡其實滿無言的，因為我不知道問題出在哪。或許這個回答可以是官方版的、也和一般人的回答不太一樣，但它確實是我當時、和一直以來所想的。直接被認定官方、不真心....我實在不知道該怎樣有效說服她那句話確實是我心裡想的。

這段對話我一直記著，也一直很無奈。

今天不知為何，突然靈光一閃，發現問題可能在於「想法」和「感覺」的差異。
想法，是對一件事的看法、分析；感覺，只是單純的感受。以那個問題而言，我的回答是在說想法，而她想問的是感覺。

我那時似乎沒在思考我的「感覺」是什麼。現在想想，我應該回答的是「我很感謝，也相當不捨，對於即將來臨的改變則有一些焦慮。」這才是我的「感覺」嘛！

原因還不知道，但呈現出來的就是：我不太表露自己的情緒與感受--雖然這是非自願的。難怪，難怪不少人都覺得我隱藏感覺、有距離感、甚至帶面具；原來如此。

請相信我，大多數時間我不會刻意隱藏感覺、我的真心與熱情其實沒有距離、更沒帶面具，我只是不知何故地漸漸對於表達情緒生疏了；今後我會試著多主動發掘自己的感受，也會在回應別人關心時不再答非所問了。

謝謝這位同事。我和她平時算是可以聊幾句的，所以她給我的回饋使我感觸與深思，也因此讓我今天有了小小的發現。

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"After being in this position for 2 years, now you're going to leave. How do you feel?"

"Well... I think this job is special because we have chances to contact all the people in our country."

"Why do you answer with such an official response ? I'm just wondering how you feel. This is like a bull shit !"

"...(This IS really what in my mind !)..."

This was a conversation with one of my colleagues recently. I still told her it's really what in my mind, though her reply made me speechless. I didn't know where the problem is. My answer might be official, and differ from others', but that was really what I think, both at that moment and all these days. It, however, was taken as an official response and a bull shit. I didn't know how to make her believe me.

This conversation remains unforgettable and hopeless.

Today, somehow I suddenly realize the problem may be in the difference between "Thinking" and "Feeling".

"Thinking" is a view, an analysis about something, while "Feeling" is how you feel. As a matter of that question, my answer was how I think, but she was asking how I feel.

I hardly thought about how I feel when answering. Now I know I'd have answered "I appreciate. I'm sad that I have to go, and I feel anxious for the incoming change." This is what I felt !

I don't know why, but what I appear is I hardly show my emotions and feelings, though it's not what I mean. No wonder, no wonder people say that I always hide how I feel, that I'm not easy to get close; they even think I set up a wall against people. No wonder !

Please believe me that I don't mean to hide how I feel, that I'm a sincere and enthusiastic person, that there's definitely no wall around me; I'm just somehow not familiar with expressing my moods. From now on I'll try to discover my emotions, and answer questions relevantly.

Thank this lady. She, who is willing to have a chat with me when there's a chance, has made me think more.